Cullen Calamities, Hale Horrors, and Swan Swoons
by Hauptmann Holmes
Summary: Four OneShots. Complete [means there will be no more]. Sorry to the Rabid readers. I still do requests.
1. Mountain Dew

**Disclaimer: **I have come to the sad realization that I own nothing. -sniffle-

**The Mountain Dew:**

**(Bella's PoV)**

"Edward, what is Jasper doing?" I asked my boyfriend.

"I really don't know, Bella. And some how I don't want to." Jasper was almost bouncing. No joke. Bouncing. Since I clearly wasn't going to get an answer out of Edward I went to ask Alice.

"Alice, what's Jasper doing?" I asked her. She turned to me, her golden eyes sparkling.

"He drank a can of Mountain Dew."

My jaw almost dropped to the floor, "Mountain Dew?!? You've got to be kidding me! Shouldn't he be throwing up instead of... bouncing?"

Alice thought about that, "I think so... Who cares any ways? It's funny to watch." She said, clearly in one of her eviler moods. I decided to run away before I got a makeover. Or roped into going to the mall.

**(Jaspers PoV)**

I couldn't believe how fun this was! I mean one can of soda and I feel like I could run forever! It was like Mountain Dew was magical! Wonderful! Amazing! Fantastic! AWESOME! I shook my head, why was I thinking this? It's completely illogical, not to mention stupi... OH LOOK A TENNIS BALL!

**(Bella's PoV)**

Jasper had picked up a tennis ball and was now bouncing it. Up and down. Up and down. I started to feel motion sick.Then he threw it and ran after it, returning five seconds later with it in his hand, grinning like a Cheshire cat.

Rosalie had also been watching this, after about ten minutes she shook her head and walked past me towards the house. I could have sworn I heard her say, "Stupid confederate soldier."

Jasper was now throwing the ball up in the air and catching before it hit the ground.

Carlisle drove up in his Mercedes, and when Jasper bounced the ball again it went up and came down...

**(Carlisle's PoV)**

...ON MY CAR! IT WENT RIGHT THROUGH MY WINDSHIELD!

"JASPER WHITLOCK HALE! What are you doing!" I asked, normally I don't yell but in this case...

Jasper was talking like he was on some form of speed, "OKsotherewasthisMountainDewanditwaspretttty! IjusthadtodrinkitandnowI'mhiper! It'sfun!"

I raised my eyebrow and Bella walked over, "He said that he drank a can of Mountain Dew, and that's why he's hyper."

"Thank you, Bella I heard what he said. Jasper go to your room, don't come out until the Mountain Dew wears off. Understand?"

Jasper nodded his head so fast that it almost looked like it would fall off. He ran into the house and I heard a door slam. Music started blasting, and I could've sworn that he was singing...

Now to fix the car.

**Comments? Complaints? Complements? Then Review. **

**xxThe Freakish Author.**


	2. Rosalie and SpongeBob

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, except some Moxie and Mountain Dew. And my name is not Stephanie Meyer. And I don't own SpongeBob either**

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**Rosalie and SpongeBob**

**Rose's PoV**

I could not believe what my stupid husband was doing. I sighed and continued to watch him run around with a pair of underwear on his head. He was singing too, it sounded like something out of a horror movie. Come to think of it it sounded like a constipated whale... I rolled my eyes and walked back into the house, where I tried to ignore whale-like sounds coming from the yard. I decided to watch some TV.

I turned on the big screen TV that graced our living room and flipped through the channels looking for something to watch. I hit the Cartoon Network and decided to stay there and watch some mindless TV show made for ten-year-olds.

"And now for Sponge Bob Square Pants!" said one of the announcers. SpongeBob Square Pants? What was this world coming to?

**Edward's PoV**

I was in my bedroom with Bella when I heard hysterical laughter coming from the living room. Bella looked up and asked, "What's that? It sounds like a hyena!"

"I don't know," I replied. "But I'm going to go find out. Stay here, I'll be right back."

She shook her brunette head, "No way am I missing this!"

I sighed, "Alright, but if it's horrific don't blame me."

We walked down the stairs and peeked into the living room. Rose was sitting on the couch laughing her head off. She was watching a show called SpongeBob Square Pants. By far this was one of the funniest things that had happened in years!

**Bella's PoV**

As Edward and I walked down the stairs I contemplated what all the laughing was about. I hoped it was nothing gross, or weird. When Edward and I peeked into the living room we saw Rosalie sitting on the couch laughing her head off. She was watching SpongeBob. This topped all the weirdness that I had ever seen. It even topped Emmett running around with underwear on his head.

I giggled quietly and Rosa looked up at us. There were tears of joy in her eyes, but they were immediately replaced by the usual malice.

"Oh," she said. "I was just seeing what the show was about. It wasn't even that funny." She stood up and stalked out of the room.

Edward started laughing, "Well that was fun!"

"Oh, yah it was!" I laughed. "I would have never thought in a million years that Rosalie would have done something like that!"

We laughed and talked as we walked up the stairs to Edward's room. After we had calmed down, Edward and I got back to studying. About two minutes later we heard the TV blast the SpongeBob theme song. And I think Rosa was singing along!

"Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! Absorbent, yellow, and porous is he? SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!"


	3. Emmett and the Disappearing CD

**Disclaimer:** I have (once again) come to the sad realization that I own nothing.

**Emmett and the Disappearing CD:**

_This is a request for A Frozen Touch, read and enjoy._

_**Emmett's PoV**_

I wandered around trying to find my Fall Out Boy CD, but it was no where! And I mean nowhere, I even checked on the roof, in Edward's room, and in all the toilets! Then I saw it sitting on an end table in the living room. _How could I have missed that?_ I asked myself. It was so stupid, "Rose, I found it!" I called to my wife. When I looked back at the table... The CD was gone! How could this be happening! And to me too! I'm such a nice person! It's not fair!

"Rose," I called, maybe she'd have some intelligence for me...

"Yes, dear," Asked Rose as she entered the room, looking as stunning as ever. You know what forget the CD I want to...

"EMMETT!" Came Edward's predictable yell, "I DID NOT NEED TO SEE THAT!"

I sighed, it was hard having a "brother" that could read your mind. "Rose, have you seen my Fall Out Boy CD?"

She stared at me, "I thought you just found it, what happened?"

"It disappeared when I called you."

"That's odd," she said, raising one of her perfect eyebrows.

"What even odder is that this has been happening to me all week. Yesterday my laptop disappeared. And the day before that my English textbook went 'poof' and was gone."

Then I thought of something, "Hey, wait a minute... Just before my text book disappeared Jasper walked into my room. And just before my laptop went away Alice asked if she could look in our bathroom for a hair thing that she lost. And just before my CD was gone Edward asked if he could borrow a book... And he hates my books! I think their stealing my stuff and hiding it!"

If Rose could've turned paler she would've. "Now, dear, don't be paranoid. I'm sure it's just your imagination." When she said "imagination" she made a little rainbow with her hands. How does she do that...?

"I may be paranoid but I'm probably right, excuse me, I have to go give Jasper a swirly and make him tell." I stalked regally out of the room.

_**Rose's PoV**_

I sighed; the family's little game of Hide Emmett's Stuff was over. I heard the toilet flush, poor Jasper. Then I thought of something... Something that could keep our little game in play...

"Emmett," I called.

Emmett rushed down the stairs, "Did you find the stuff? Quick! Give it to me before Jasper gets his head out of the toilet!"

I smiled, and beckoned him, "Come upstairs and forget your stuff, you don't need it now."

Emmett got my drift, grinned, picked me up, and ran up the stairs to our room. He dropped me on the bed and slammed the door.

_**General PoV**_

Edward pulled on Jasper's shoulders, "HARDER!" screamed Jasper from the depths of the toilet. "I DON'T LIKE IT IN HERE!" Edward pulled harder and Jasper popped out of the toilet with a... Well... Pop!

"I can't believe he stuffed you in there again!" Edward said in astonishment, "You'd think after being grounded for a year twenty times would knock it through his skull!"

Jasper opened the linen closet and pulled out a towel. "You forget, brother, that Emmett has a very hard skull." He said, toweling his hair. "It's very fortunate that he didn't find his stuff, otherwise you'd be next.

Edward smiled, "That's where we differ, Jasper, I don't fit in the toilet."

Jasper smiled back, "To true, to true."

They wandered up to Alice and Jasper's bathroom and opened her closet door; it was packed with Emmett's things.

Alice bounced in, "It's a wonderful hiding spot," she said, giggling, "He'd never come in here if he didn't want to get a makeover.

They all laughed.

**Well A Frozen Touch, what do you think, do you like it?**

**Anyone else like it?**

**If so review already!**

**xxthefreakishauthor**


	4. Carlisle and The Fake Baseball

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. And I'm not a stealer.

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**Carlisle and the Fake Baseball**

_**Carlisle's PoV:**_

I stepped up to the plate, and tapped the bat against by Nike track shoes. My team was going to win this game. There was no doubt about it; Team Carlisle was going to win.

The Bases were loaded; Jasper, Edward, and Alice were all preparing to run. Esme was sitting on the side with Bella ready to judge the play. It was perfect.

_**Emmett's PoV:**_

Surprisingly he didn't suspect anything. This was going to be perfect! I wound up and threw the Grape fruit, Carlisle hit it and...

_**Carlisle's PoV:**_

IT EXPLOADED INTO MY FACE! RIGHT IN MY FACE! IT WASN'T EVEN A BASEBALL! IT WAS A GRAPEFRUIT! THIS WAS SOOOO NOT FAIR!

"EMMETT MCCARTY CULLEN! GET YOUR SORRY BUTT OVER HERE!" Emmett, who was currently doubled over with laughter, walked over to me.

"Yes, Carlisle?"

"THAT WAS A DIRTY ROTTEN TRICK! I FORBID YOU TO EVER DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT AGAIN. NO GRIZZLIES FOR A MONTH!"

Emmett's face showed a mixture of horror and disbelief. Well... it served him right for doing that to me.

Note to self: Never let Emmett pitch again.

**Sorry about the wait, I was so preoccupied. I've decided that I will only do the other stories that I had in the author's note, and then that's the end of this collection of One Shots. Sorry, I have way too many other going. So that's it.**

**xxthefreakishauthor**


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